Today I want to write about something very near and dear to my heart, not about photography but about this day. This day used to be very difficult for me. It was filled with a lot of tears, empty dreams, and unfulfilled wishes. After struggling with infertility for almost 10 years, my husband and I had nearly given up on the hopes of ever having a child of our own. We spent hours upon hours researching why we were unable to conceive, sitting at too many doctor appointments to remember, praying and hoping that one day our dream would come true. I wanted to be a mommy so bad it hurt!! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was supposed to just happen, not become a science experiment. So many people tried to offer their words of wisdom, about how we just “needed to relax”, “go on a vacation”, or “just adopt then you’ll get pregnant”. My favorite was ” here, you can have mine, they’re driving me crazy!” I know these words weren’t meant to be mean, but deep inside I just wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out.
I distinctly remember the feelings of rejection each and every month that went by, thinking something was wrong with me, that God didn’t love me, maybe I wasn’t good enough to become a mother. It was definitely that hardest time in my life thus far, but it also a time that caused me to lean on my everlasting Father even more. To remember that He was all I ever needed, that He could fulfill whatever it was inside me that I longed for. His promises are true today just as they were yesterday. It was around this time that the verse I have known my whole life became more real to me. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I used to pray every day ‘God either give me a baby or take away this terrible ache in my heart.’ But then a very dear friend of mine helped me to remember to pray for God’s will to be done and to ask for grace, whatever the outcome. My prayers changed from self-seeking to worshiping the God who loves me. I asked Him to help me trust in Him more every day, no matter how bleak my circumstances appeared. He is worthy to be praised. When I felt empty inside, I asked for awareness of His comforting presence to fill my soul, and to daily renew my strength and remind me that my Hope was in Him and nothing else, not any doctor or medical technology.
The reason for this post is to share with you friends who want to be a mom but for whatever reason you are not, please know that you are loved and you are needed (Thank you Kristi for the reminder today). Know that God feels your pain and sees your tears. You are a blessing to those who know you. Please also know that those around you who may not know your pain are offering only their best intentions and never mean to hurt you. I offer my love and prayers to you.
In honor of my Mom on her special day, here’s a snapshot of a beautiful memory that I will always have in my heart. She and my beautiful miracle baby on her first birthday, both whom I love more every day. Thank you Mom for always believing in me, teaching me about compassion and serving, and for covering me daily in your prayers. I don’t know what I would do without you. I”m so grateful my daughter has the chance to know how wonderful her Grammy is and how much she is adored.
Until next time!
Be a blessing,